New adventure

Hey guys, I just wanted to tell you that as a new year resolution im getting back into blogging but for that I created a new fashion blog. Im very thankful for the few subscribers I had so im gonna drop the link to my new blog here just in casa you wanna go with me in the new adventure. Thanks :)

The no budget magazine

I don't have anything to wear

It's been a long time since my last "fashion" post, since then, this blog has a been a sort of escape for when I was too overwhelm  to even organize my thoughts. Since those fashion days I stopped taking prozac, gained 20 pounds (hitting the horrendous 200 pounds), move to Buenos Aires, lost the 20 pounds and lost countless pieces of clothes in the process.

First of all, I couldn't take all of my clothes with me when I moved so I gave them away, thinking I would live  in Buenos Aires and could get plenty of new clothes. Wrong, since I barely make it till the end of the month my priorities really lie on food and transportation.. or maybe I should change my priorities... When I went back to Chile for winter break I (apparently) forgot 2 very important dresses and left a skirt because of it's broken zipper, bringing back with me a pair of jeans and a white blouse. 2 weeks ago, a went to Chile again, leaving this time (also apparently) my favorite summer dress bringing back a shimmery sweater. Also spilled soy sauce over a light sweater, left a dress with a coin in its pocket in water leaving a horrible green mark that never came out and put 2 light dresses in the wash with a dark sock that I did not see!

Those are pretty much the reasons why I don't have anything to wear, and it's depressing really because I like to dress nicely and I study fashion at a PRIVATE school with a bunch of rich girls! So, how could I be a fashion blogger with no clothes???

blogmonth challege?

So, faced with the realization that passing time here will be harder than I thought I decided to make MY best out of it.

I realized I put myself into this situation and at least till the end of the year I have no way out and even if I could go back home I haven't nearly done all the things I hoped I was going to do. Yes, I've done all the learning, all the bad experiences one could have out of moving out of the house, specially out of the house to study abroad, I have done them. But spring seems to bring a new sort of "hopeful air", maybe Buenos Aires is not that bad during the spring, cuz God knows how horrible it is during summer ufff. Point is, I will not stay on my bed all day doing homework for the next 5 months thinking about people (as in man) that I shouldn't be thinking about, which is pretty much what I did last semester. I propose adding a bit of pressure to the system.

Under these conditions, going back to blogging seems to be a reasonable idea, It gives something to do everyday and you need to do in front of people, so then you have to do it. Cutting to the chase, I'll blog, everyday, as in MANDATORY, whatever possible. I might not be able to do much maybe take pictures, things that happened in class, who knows. The subway will be working again from tomorrow on, so I might be able to move a little more. So there you have, my sweeping declaration.

Faith??

Few months after I moved to Buenos Aires I knew it was a relationship meant to fail...Is not that I hate it but when I look outside my window, when I walk down the street I just know I could never get use to living here. One thing I was sure, I love with my whole heart and soul my career, I finally found it. So I decided to deal with for as long as it was needed to finish my beloved career.

I never meant to find any other options, in fact, I was quite sure there was no way out but I'm sorry to confess that a huge bug change everything I was sure about.

During the last couple of days I have found 8 of those horrible big bugs. 2 nights ago I found one, I killed it with Raid, it died on table, over the fashion illustrations I was doing for school. I was ready to move it when I decided to look up, and there they were, 2 more just looking at my dispose of the body. I screamed and went into the bedroom and after encourage myself to go out I found one of the two and killed it. Knowing for sure there was another one waiting out there to attack I decided I could not live like this anymore, I don't know why I did it but I started to look for schools back in Chile.

I'm sorry to say, I found it! it was perfect and now everything that I believed was right is messed up! My head has suddenly decided what to do and it doesn't want to respond to any reason or debate, my body and my brain are ready to go back! but I'm sure there's gotta be more debate about, it just not that simple and what if it's a mistake, what if I go back and then I don't like it and I already made the mistake, I'm about to turn 22, I can't be moving and changing careers just like that! I don't have more time.

this choosing your own life is a bitch right?? stupid bug, you changed my god damn life!

Soooooooooooo confusing...

I've been in Buenos Aires for more than months now and I can't seem to find myself in all of these. I'm in my own version of "Midnight in Paris" a much less romantic version, of course. I'm stuck in this country that believes to be modern but it isn't and I was suppose to fit perfectly since I'm a vintage lover, hopeless golden age thinker and denier of the XXI century but I don't. These people seem to be perfectly fine living in their non working system, full of trash, insects, rats on the streets and chaos and I'm just standing in the middle on the tornado looking around thinking... what's going on?!?!? I would seriously murder someone for a modern oven, a fast elevator, a modern cooking supplies or furniture that doesn't have (non matching) covers that seem to be hiding something that I don't really wanna know what it is.

I've been sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out how I'm gonna do to re invent myself in order to live here the, at least, 2 years that I have to. How am I gonna make it to feel like home here... I don't know what to do, I'm in one of those moments where your brain is in stand by, completely shut down because I can't seem to move forward but I can't go back now... I'm already out of my "parents" house, there's no way back in there...

My brain, my brain, my brain....

Melting over Buenos Aires

Just another day like any other, except today  in I didn't go to school because I don't have any energy left my body and I'm having a melt down... on the inside.

I'm not gonna lie, I am indeed a meltdown type of person, yes, I cry, get desperate, sometimes get my anger off on a pillow or something but not today. I just can't shake the felling that something bad is gonna happen and that made me think of all the other things that are wrong at the moment...

I have 4 different projects due Tuesday because I can't seem to approve any of them so they keep pilling one over the other and lets face it... I'm probably gonna fail the first one, meaning the second one (which comes from the first one) would also be wrong and so is the third and at that point what's the point of the forth since you need to approve all of them to pass the class... I have the felling that's gonna be a huge waist of my precious money....150 dollars... at least. Because of that stupid class I'm late on all my other classes because teachers want you to do things with time which is impossible because I get out of school on Friday and I have to start the projects for Tuesday and then again I'm doing everything the night before and so on. (this is not just this week)

To all of that, add that we're completely ALONE, our only friends live in the other side of the city, out families are hundreds of miles away so when you have a good day, you're alone and when you have a horrible day, again, you're alone. Adding all the grocery shopping (only shopping i can afford), cleaning, cooking, laundry.

So here I am, competing with this skinny little rich girls that don't have any problem doing everything again because they have families that pay, someone to clean and cook for them, sewing machines and model friends willing to help at any time. And I can't help but wonder... WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?!?!?

I can't stop this thoughts in my head that say I found what I wanna do for the rest of my life but I'm not who I wanna be the rest of my life. I moved to this city to be everything you can't be in a small Chilean city full of judgment but I'm stuck at a home that I would never be able to call home, sewing all weekend long, I said I would blog and the only thing I can do is... complain. I don't have any money to shop or change a bit so I'm stuck and I don't have anyone to tell this because I can't trust anybody.

To all of this add that during every evaluation I have this horrible panic attacks where I picture myself back in Antofagasta studying business, terrifying.... but my only other option....

Expectations....

I had a lot on my mind last night, don't know if it was the alcohol, the understanding that I'm never gonna be with him (which is something that usually makes me think about existential stuff) or just... Me. But I feel like I need to take stuff out of head for a little

When we're young we have all this expectations of how life's gonna be, I even have a to-do list but I guess "no one told you life was gonna be this way". Years ago my psychologist told me you become a grown up the moment that figure that you consider your protector disappears and you finally realize it doesn't matter how many friends, boyfriends, brothers or sisters you have, nobody saves you from your own life, your own decisions and your own mistakes. So, what happens when we finally realize that independent life is not how we planned it? Do we become more "mature" or do we just act like we don't care?

Last new year's eve I decided I was not gonna make resolutions, since I didn't know how different my life was gonna be this year but, let's facie it, control freaks can not control those kinds of organizational thoughts. So here are some of the plans that I had and how they turned up.

1.- Go back to blogging: COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. When I decided to study fashion I knew it would be very different than studying engineering but as a "traditional career" student I always thought it was one of the "easy" careers. Turns out, it's the hardest I've ever worked in my life, I barely have to sleep and eat and although I love it with all my heart, the thing is killing me! Worst of all is, I moved to this country looking for a possibility to be as fashionable as I could, things that you can't do when you live in a small town but now I don't even have time to think about that! I barely have time to brush me hair so I don't look like I just got out of my amazing 1 hour a night beauty sleep.

2.- More parks, More art, More history. How many of those I've done.. none... simple.

3.- Have an apartment and take care of it: Well, I have an apartment, with only one bed for me and my roomate, with decoration that I hate and full of old non working stuff... sometimes it makes me wanna go back home, where I have my own bedroom, a decent oven, a big kitchen, space in my bathroom and all those stuff.

I know there're more things that haven't turned out they way I wanted them to be but.... I already took some things out my chest and I'm feeling better now... I hope to get some time to blog again soon.... this is killing me.